How very true this famous quotation by William Congreve in his play the “Mourning Bride” and as any girl who has had her heart broken nothing is worse than feeling like you will never be happy again unless you can inflict the same emotional pain you’re feeling now onto the deserving asshole who ripped your heart out and proceeded to disect it while it was still beating. Fear not girls there is a way!! As my partner in crime mentioned below the revenge fuck is an important tool to use in defending one’s heart/pride/ego. While I wouldn’t recommend using it frequently (as one could get the reputation as being a friendship wrecker) it does it’s job well.

I have successfully completed 1 revenge fuck and 2 unsuccessful revenge fucks. Unfortunately for one ex boyfriend (we’ll call him Fledgling as he was younger than I at the time and pretty much clueless about how one should deal with relationships and other people when feelings are involved) he had two revenge fucks happen to him. 1 successful and 1 unsuccessful. 

Let me diverge for a second and define “successful”.  The first and only way a revenge fuck can be considered successful is that the “other boy” HAS, and I mean has to find out about you fucking his best friend/teammate/guy-that-he-really-just-doesn’t-like-and-would-be-upset-to-know-that-you-had-sex-with-him.  If he doesn’t know, it isn’t successful, and while it feels good to have done it you are only celebrating this feat with yourself and what good is that when the reason you even did it in the first place was because you really wanted to rub it in his face.

Ok back to the cause of my needing to use this tool.  I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve…and her collar…and as a barrette in her hair.  Basically if I like you I end up handing you everything about me in nothing but a brown paper bag.  Which we all know is impervious to…umm let’s see NOTHING.  I’m slowly learning that I can’t do this considering how hard my only 2 serious relationships have been on my emotional well being.  

I’ll start with the first unsuccessful revenge fuck.  It was against my first real college boyfriend, we’ll call him Socially Inept (SI for short) because well that’s exactly how any of my friends would describe him.  He is shy, quiet, extremely awkward at times, and not a partier.  I am loud, outgoing, and party til you drop kind of person…so basically a perfect match, well not really but we somehow made it work for a little while.  We were together on and off for 2 years of college and I was absolutely in love with him.  I still am actually, which is why I regret this revenge fuck, but that’s a different topic for another day.  Anyway…I was his first girlfriend, first girl he’s ever gotten head from, and I took his virginity.  In my head I thought we’d be together forever for sure.  Not quite the case.  He said that he couldn’t only date one person for a long time and that going into the relationship he never meant for it to last as long as it did.  WHAT THE FUCK?! who thinks that going into a relationship…apparently SI does (and in his defense he had his reasons which I now understand, but that again is another story for another post).  Long story short I was devastated, and absolute wreck for ummm let’s see 8 months. Yes, sad I know, but I was in love and was literally broken.  So how to solve said brokenness: have sex with his womanizing, egotistical, never faithful to a girlfriend ever roommate.  Main reason it was unsuccessful, SI doesn’t know, and probably never will.  The roommate knows that it would ruin his rep more than it has ever been ruined before and that SI would never, ever be able to forgive him.  Another reason it was unsuccessful…it didn’t make me feel any better about the situation AT ALL I did not feel like I could let SI know what I had done and also don’t think it would have taken the same emotional toll on him that the breakup had on me.

Now for Fledgling’s revenge fucks.  Fledgling and I dated for 4 months and we just got too serious too fast and in the end looking back at it, had we taken the time to catch our breaths it may not have ended in the blowout that it did.  Once again I was broken, and this was he second time in less than a year with a boy i never thought could make me feel shitty…and it sucked almost worse than it did with SI.  The first revenge fuck was unsuccessful, but I had intended for it to be that way and it was totally for personal gratification that I did it.  It was also with his roommate/best friend, but I also happened to date said roommate/best friend before I started dating Fledgling.  Yeah I love to keep my life complicated and full of drama. I think of this as semi-successful because I knew that the roommate still had feelings for me and I wanted to prove to myself that I could still bed him at anytime.  Yes, cruel I know, but hey I had been hurting enough as it was I needed something to make me feel better about myself.  Now for the moment I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for: the successful revenge fuck!!! Now I didn’t mean for this to be a revenge fuck, or even a fuck at all for that matter.  It was with Fledgling’s older team mate who was basically his mentor/big brother.  We happened to be drinking together at our Senior pub night (read: free beer, wine, appetizers for 5 hours…can we say “get fucked up, get fucked up”).  I was just chatting with Mentor and other guys on the team not really trying to go home with anyone (I still hadn’t finished my senior thesis yet…oops), but anyway long story short I ended up in Mentor’s room at his house and gave a free live porno performance to 20 of our “closest” friends.  I remember it being hott sex too…nothing too memorable but def good enough that I was a very satisfied customer after the session.  Needless to say after our tryst Mentor was like “we can’t tell Fledgling” and I was like “well you don’t have to worry about me b/c we aren’t even speaking to each other right now”.  So i thought I was in the clear to inwardly gloat at my ability to transcend the “Bros before Hoes” mentality (when it comes down to it if there’s a girl who wants to fuck, a guy can’t pass it up).  Well, I wasn’t able to gloat for very long when I found out Mentor had told some of the team who in turn told Fledgling of the event.  The teammate who told was not Mentor and said it in passing as a joke because he thought Fledgling knew…which he didn’t…  So I can safely say that did sit well with Fledgling, AT ALL…I found out he was PISSED and secretly I was a bit upset that he knew, but that moment was fleeting and I became more filled with the feeling of: “if you fuck with my emotions I will find a way to fuck your friends so don’t cross me if you don’t want to find out I slept with them” 

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I think it’s best when it’s a steamy session in the sack….