I love fall television series

1)  CHASE CRAWFORD is one of the top 3 sexiest men alive at the moment.  The coveted #1 & #2 spots are permanent but #3 is always changing.  #1 –Becks, #2 –Brady Quinn (droooooool)

2)  Elina on America’s Next Top Model–super hot bisexual girl.  Too bad she’s vegan….and an animal rights activist.  My 28-day vegan trial run was fun and all…..but she’s like some crazy PETA chick.

Woo hoooooo for fall TV 

Somewhere in Ohio, the Village Idiot has been Apprehended and Returned (aka my boyfriend)

What do you do when your boyfriend is a selfish, immature, reckless idiot?

I am currently wondering the exact same thing, so if you know the answer, please let me know. He is actually extremely smart–which is what makes this entire situation sooooo not permissible.

To make a long story short, he got his 2nd DUI the other night. In my state, because he refused to be breathalized, that is a minimum mandatory 20 days in jail–MINIMUM. Great, I’m now dating an unemployed criminal!

So utterly disappointing…I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about it and I don’t know entirely how I feel about it either. Part of me says “it’s not like he did something TO YOU and you still love him and that’s all that matters.” The other part of me can’t get over how FUCKING ANGRY I am with him. How can someone so smart do something so so SO STUPID!?

To be completely honest (and why wouldn’t I be granted the cloak of cyber anonymity?), I might be inclined to go out and fuck someone tonight. Now which boy to call……

Clarification

I was informed by my counterpart that I should clarify the porn session I happened to be in.  It really wasn’t in front of 20 people, there were just some people who looked into the room through the windows and saw some shadows of what was clearly 2 people doing the dirty but no one knew it was me b/c they couldn’t see my face.  All they saw was Mentor thrusting away in some mystery girl.  I have yet to be an acutal exhibitionist.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

How very true this famous quotation by William Congreve in his play the “Mourning Bride” and as any girl who has had her heart broken nothing is worse than feeling like you will never be happy again unless you can inflict the same emotional pain you’re feeling now onto the deserving asshole who ripped your heart out and proceeded to disect it while it was still beating. Fear not girls there is a way!! As my partner in crime mentioned below the revenge fuck is an important tool to use in defending one’s heart/pride/ego. While I wouldn’t recommend using it frequently (as one could get the reputation as being a friendship wrecker) it does it’s job well.

I have successfully completed 1 revenge fuck and 2 unsuccessful revenge fucks. Unfortunately for one ex boyfriend (we’ll call him Fledgling as he was younger than I at the time and pretty much clueless about how one should deal with relationships and other people when feelings are involved) he had two revenge fucks happen to him. 1 successful and 1 unsuccessful. 

Let me diverge for a second and define “successful”.  The first and only way a revenge fuck can be considered successful is that the “other boy” HAS, and I mean has to find out about you fucking his best friend/teammate/guy-that-he-really-just-doesn’t-like-and-would-be-upset-to-know-that-you-had-sex-with-him.  If he doesn’t know, it isn’t successful, and while it feels good to have done it you are only celebrating this feat with yourself and what good is that when the reason you even did it in the first place was because you really wanted to rub it in his face.

Ok back to the cause of my needing to use this tool.  I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve…and her collar…and as a barrette in her hair.  Basically if I like you I end up handing you everything about me in nothing but a brown paper bag.  Which we all know is impervious to…umm let’s see NOTHING.  I’m slowly learning that I can’t do this considering how hard my only 2 serious relationships have been on my emotional well being.  

I’ll start with the first unsuccessful revenge fuck.  It was against my first real college boyfriend, we’ll call him Socially Inept (SI for short) because well that’s exactly how any of my friends would describe him.  He is shy, quiet, extremely awkward at times, and not a partier.  I am loud, outgoing, and party til you drop kind of person…so basically a perfect match, well not really but we somehow made it work for a little while.  We were together on and off for 2 years of college and I was absolutely in love with him.  I still am actually, which is why I regret this revenge fuck, but that’s a different topic for another day.  Anyway…I was his first girlfriend, first girl he’s ever gotten head from, and I took his virginity.  In my head I thought we’d be together forever for sure.  Not quite the case.  He said that he couldn’t only date one person for a long time and that going into the relationship he never meant for it to last as long as it did.  WHAT THE FUCK?! who thinks that going into a relationship…apparently SI does (and in his defense he had his reasons which I now understand, but that again is another story for another post).  Long story short I was devastated, and absolute wreck for ummm let’s see 8 months. Yes, sad I know, but I was in love and was literally broken.  So how to solve said brokenness: have sex with his womanizing, egotistical, never faithful to a girlfriend ever roommate.  Main reason it was unsuccessful, SI doesn’t know, and probably never will.  The roommate knows that it would ruin his rep more than it has ever been ruined before and that SI would never, ever be able to forgive him.  Another reason it was unsuccessful…it didn’t make me feel any better about the situation AT ALL I did not feel like I could let SI know what I had done and also don’t think it would have taken the same emotional toll on him that the breakup had on me.

Now for Fledgling’s revenge fucks.  Fledgling and I dated for 4 months and we just got too serious too fast and in the end looking back at it, had we taken the time to catch our breaths it may not have ended in the blowout that it did.  Once again I was broken, and this was he second time in less than a year with a boy i never thought could make me feel shitty…and it sucked almost worse than it did with SI.  The first revenge fuck was unsuccessful, but I had intended for it to be that way and it was totally for personal gratification that I did it.  It was also with his roommate/best friend, but I also happened to date said roommate/best friend before I started dating Fledgling.  Yeah I love to keep my life complicated and full of drama. I think of this as semi-successful because I knew that the roommate still had feelings for me and I wanted to prove to myself that I could still bed him at anytime.  Yes, cruel I know, but hey I had been hurting enough as it was I needed something to make me feel better about myself.  Now for the moment I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for: the successful revenge fuck!!! Now I didn’t mean for this to be a revenge fuck, or even a fuck at all for that matter.  It was with Fledgling’s older team mate who was basically his mentor/big brother.  We happened to be drinking together at our Senior pub night (read: free beer, wine, appetizers for 5 hours…can we say “get fucked up, get fucked up”).  I was just chatting with Mentor and other guys on the team not really trying to go home with anyone (I still hadn’t finished my senior thesis yet…oops), but anyway long story short I ended up in Mentor’s room at his house and gave a free live porno performance to 20 of our “closest” friends.  I remember it being hott sex too…nothing too memorable but def good enough that I was a very satisfied customer after the session.  Needless to say after our tryst Mentor was like “we can’t tell Fledgling” and I was like “well you don’t have to worry about me b/c we aren’t even speaking to each other right now”.  So i thought I was in the clear to inwardly gloat at my ability to transcend the “Bros before Hoes” mentality (when it comes down to it if there’s a girl who wants to fuck, a guy can’t pass it up).  Well, I wasn’t able to gloat for very long when I found out Mentor had told some of the team who in turn told Fledgling of the event.  The teammate who told was not Mentor and said it in passing as a joke because he thought Fledgling knew…which he didn’t…  So I can safely say that did sit well with Fledgling, AT ALL…I found out he was PISSED and secretly I was a bit upset that he knew, but that moment was fleeting and I became more filled with the feeling of: “if you fuck with my emotions I will find a way to fuck your friends so don’t cross me if you don’t want to find out I slept with them” 

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I think it’s best when it’s a steamy session in the sack….

Revenge f*cks and the f*ckheads who bring it upon themselves

I think that it is probably best to start from the beginning—the beginning of college, that is and the beginning of my adult promiscuity.

Ahh….freshman year.   I arrived on campus in the summer and had just separated from my high school boyfriend of just over a year.  About 2 days before arriving on campus, I had participated in my first (and only to date) threesome (I will touch on being a girl kisser and how the 4th of July basically equates to me batting for the other team).  So, my wild streak had reached an all-time high at the ripe young age of 18 and it was roaring and ready to go as I went off to my prestigious Ivy League university.

My first day of the summer program that I was in was mostly all athletes (jackpot!).  I remember looking around the room to see so many hopefuls, but there was one that I had already had my eye on.  It took until the 2nd night for me to already have blown a basketball player (let’s call him Fuckhead, which is what he is in my address book) to which he replied with “if this is what college is like, I definitely chose the right school.”  Oh don’t you know it baby.

So Fuckhead and I had begun our almost-love affair before even arriving on campus…2000 miles away, we were from the same city and had met through mutual friends who knew we were both going to the same school.  We first met (after hearing about one another) at a formal alumni event welcoming newly admitted students—a few knowing glances and I knew I’d eventually fuck him.  I’m a firm believer that you can tell if you will fuck someone within 10 seconds of meeting them (a self-fulfilling prophecy maybe? Either way, I haven’t been wrong yet).  After that, we met a few more times in sketchy places like a dog park after dark (?) with no dogs involved.  He told me how he had broken up with his girlfriend yada yada blah blah blah.  This should have been the first clue to his fuckheaded nature, but I was young and naïve.

I even caught him in Lie #1 and still I overlooked it.  Later that week I attended a graduation party for someone at his school and I mentioned how I had hung out w/ Fuckhead.  To that news, some of their mutual friends replied “Does she know about it?”  Naturally I replied with “I thought they broke up?”  Oddly enough—none of their friends had even the slightest inclining that there was trouble in paradise.

Fast-forward to July 2003.  Mistakenly, I became slightly attached as the summer progressed.  We did everything together—went grocery shopping together, weekly Friday night pizza dates, editing each other’s papers—you name it, we were together like glue.  The only really irritating thing is that we never slept in the same bed together—his room was right down the hall and we had twin beds, but there is something so very cheap about hooking up so much and being almost a couple yet never slumbering together.  Irritatingly cheap.

Let’s start with the good things…there are always a few good things to keep you interested and those good things are what make the separations sting so badly.  There was a huge thunderstorm one warm summer night and we explored our new campus together in the pouring rain…holding hands and running through gothic arches and modern landscape sculptures.  It sounds so cheesy that it could be out of “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” but it wasn’t.   This past June I had a long talk with him after not seeing him since graduation and he brought it up….prefaced by “remember when we were almost in love?”  F-U-C-K Y-O-U.  (BTW, I’m totally not bitter….nor am I bitter by the fact that I am smarter than him and he is going to a top law school this fall.  Yeah…it must be full of a bunch of fuckheads who can recognize one of their own).

One Friday night instead of going to our favorite pizza place, we decided to make our own pizza.  I had said something along the lines of him just using me for summer company and Fuckhead replied with “Why would I put this much effort into something if I didn’t think that it would be worth it for longer than just a summer?”

Then it got sour.  I was hanging out with a football player down the hall who had one of those nerf basketball sets.  Somehow, we started playing strip horse.  At first I was like, sweet, I’m gonna beat this kid and he’s going to be awkwardly standing there in his skivvies.  I win the first game—pumped, I’m still fully clothed.  To make a long, predictable story short—I ended up in nothing but my thankfully very cute hot pink lace boy short undies, somehow with him on top of me on the bottom bunk, making out profusely and petting like virgins.  He said something about getting a condom—a bit presumptuous, I would think, we were just making out and groping above the undies!!!—and at that point I realize…hmm, this is probably not the greatest idea.  I was in for maybe some fondling but I did not anticipate any oral-to-genital nor any genital-to-genital contact.  So I got dressed and left, without telling a soul as we had agreed upon.  Shortly after I realized that I had lost these panties along the way—I still wonder if in my haste I left them, or if he stole them out of my perpetually unlocked dorm room as sort of proof to my basketball player that he had gotten some goods.

Funny how that whole “let’s pretend this didn’t happen” thing works out isn’t it?  All of a sudden, Fuckhead was mysteriously distant from me.  I was told eventually and ‘accidentally’ by a mutual friend that he was back together with his ex.  I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why he wouldn’t have told me to my face and why I had to find out from someone else.

Not until 2 YEARS later did I find out that he had someone tell me that b/c he was so pissed off that I kissed someone else while we were ‘together’.  I’m sorry, but guys should know that girls are VERY big into labels—and I don’t just mean when it comes to our clothes.  If you have not explicitly defined our relationship or whatever it is that we are doing with you, we will treat it like nothing.  If we never cuddled in bed and fell asleep together, if you never gave me a good night kiss before heading back to your own bed, if you never let me know how you really felt about me—then we were definitely not together.

So, I still maintain that I did nothing wrong—and that he was the huge dick (too bad he didn’t have a huge dick).  Every action has a reaction—and my reaction was a revenge fuck.  A very public revenge fuck.  (This would not be my last revenge fuck, although it was definitely my first).

On the last night of the summer program, I slept with a lacrosse player (nicknamed ‘Legend’….seriously, I couldn’t make that shit up)—my first one-night stand and revenge fuck—I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.  The next morning I even got to meet his mother—surprise!—conveniently right after I had thrown up in the bathroom after taking the morning after pill because the condom broke.  “Great, nice to meet you Mrs. Legend….btw, I just threw up because of some emergency contraception that was necessitated by your son’s wangbone.”  Great first impression—cross her off the list of potential mother-in-laws-to-be.

So, even though Fuckheads may have their romantic moments, they are still fuckheads.  Even if in hindsight, my revenge fuck was probably more like pouring salt into his wounds.  Lesson to all nice guys out there who don’t want to turn into fuckheads:  treat your girl right while you have her, or else she’ll go run off with the next potential fuckhead who shows interest.

Firsts

So like the old adage goes, “There’s a first time for everything” and to all who read this this is my first time blogging.  Just think, I am having my blogging cherry popped right now as you read this.  I can say that I feel a bit vulnerable at this moment sort of like after I lost my Virginity (acutally that’s a lie…I was drunk and don’t remember how I felt after anymore, but that’s for another post). Anyway, my college roommate and I though we no longer live together (unfortunately, very unfortunately), have continued to talk about our present lives daily through emailing and phone calls.  What we have come to realize over the last 4 years of knowing each other that we are very similiar, almost practically the same person, and that there are few if any females who think or act the way we do in certain situations.  So since this is a post about firsts here’s one about my first college hookups:

Woo Hooo!!! COLLEGE!!! This meant no parents, no rules, and no boyfriend.  I was beyond excited to explore the plethora of cute, smart (I did attend an Ivy League school) college boys that I would be around for the next 4 years.  I won’t lie I even stalked out the freshman on the sports teams at school on the school’s athletic website.  Might as well start scoping out potential hookups or boyfriends while wasting away at home, right?

                Now as for my first hookups of course I violated the golden rule of “Do NOT hookup with anyone on your hallway”.  But for those who know me this doesn’t come as a surprise.  I am the queen of doing exactly as I shouldn’t do.  The first was the cute varsity athlete that lived directly across the hall from me.  We grew up in similar towns in the same state and he was cute what more could I want.  Plus he liked to go out and we both ditched a RA group function together so that we could go out and get wasted. The hooking up reoccurred for maybe a month before it got to the “we are better off as friends”talk, which I was clearly devastated about because in my 18 yo naïve mind I instantly wanted to be his girlfriend.  Despite all of that we basically started a friendship that has thankfully transcended 4 years of college and a slew of post college booty calls (these occurred because we both moved to the same city).  He’s still a good friend of mine and is someone who’s always up for a good time.

                When I wrote hookups in the first paragraph it wasn’t a typo.  I also hooked up with the another boy who lived diagonally across the hallway from me and I don’t remember who was first (oops…the beginning of freshman year was a drunken haze what can I say?).  He was a washed up high school athlete but was in superb shape by the time we got to school.  His was def my first college “one night stand”.  No, we didn’t have sex, but we did get a bit down and dirty on the dance floor and then moved it into a back room to you know, finish things off.  Needless to say THAT was definitely a bit awkward after, but as freshman year went on we became good friends.  Good enough to the point that he NEVER knocked before he walked in my room and definitely saw me naked or barely dressed more than once. 

            So word to the wise, if you’re not awkward about what just occurred, he won’t be awkward either.  Or maybe I was just THAT good and THAT cool that neither of them could find a reason to NOT want to talk to me anymore…haha

Who knows what this could entail

And so it begins…

The Promiscuous Girl’s Guide to Navigating Life (and the Many Awkward Situations that may Ensue).  Between my college roommate and I, we have gotten ourselves into so many shenanigans that together we would tower Tucker Max.  It’s not that we are shameless whores (although at times, it may appear so); we just happen to find ourselves in the strangest situations.  It’s [semi]acceptable for Tucker to write about these kinds of things, but the boys aren’t having all of the fun.  Take 2 Ivy League women and 4 years of free beer and the result is this blog.

Who knows?  What is written here could be shocking, it could be boring, it could be anything–but exaggerated or apologetic, it will not be.  It will be told (sometimes) in language a bit graphic, but it’s out there and it’s honest and it could be any ‘good’ girl’s story.